losing heart

Therefore, we do not lose heart, but though our outer person is decaying, yet our inner person is being renewed day by day. For our momentary, light affliction is producing for us an eternal weight of glory far beyond all comparison, while we look not at the things which are seen, but at the things which are not seen; for the things which are seen are temporal, but the things which are not seen are eternal.

~2 Corinthians 4:16-18

In meditating on these verses from the Apostle Paul in his second letter to the Corinthians, I just love the way it speaks to those of us for whom “outer decay” is a real thing. As my fifth decade marches on (much to my chagrin), it’s actually easier to focus on my daily spiritual renewal—my sanctification journey toward home. When I reluctantly catch my reflection that does not match what my brain thinks I should see, the confident hope of my perfect heavenly body springs up. I can also look around at the utter madness of our clownworld, where right is wrong, up is down, and brokenness seems to be the norm, and I know with certainty that all this is temporal. Eternal sin-free bliss awaits for those of us whose Savior and Lord is Jesus.

But in the past 48 hours of writing this, Paul’s words have been twisted for me in a way that—I hope and pray—will further deepen my faith. Especially as I anchor myself in the other promises of God written in His Word. Let me explain. (And please know that in my writing there is a public confession—because pulling things into the light is what must happen, so the enemy cannot use it against me.) 

See, one of the persistent vulnerabilities through my life has been my weight/food/body. Throughout various seasons of the past, oh 40 years, I’ve been obsessed with eating “right” (i.e., to lose weight) and extremely rigid about exercise, and my day can be made or utterly ruined over the number on the scale. No matter what my husband says, my mirrors all shout, “You’re such a cow.” Again, I say all this to be really real. 

When I surrendered to Jesus at age 30, He freed me from so much—many things markedly changed immediately, and other transformational refinements happened (and continue to) over time. Including this body dysmorphia and food/exercise idolatry of mine. I have had seasons of rest from this battle—usually when the Lord forces my hand (or a leg) with a reminder that He alone deserves the throne of my life. But the world, my own sinful flesh, and Satan find ways to hiss in my ear about it all…incessantly whispering that the outer-self matters, regardless of one’s inner sanctification or closeness to the Lord. So, like all of us, whatever our particular battlefront may be, I fight. I study God’s Word, I stay connected with my church family, and I serve. 

But, given a recent (and truly ironic) diagnosis and lifelong pivot I’m facing, I sit here now losing heart. To Paul’s words in 2 Corinthians 4:16, I shake my head in doubt and discouragement. All my efforts to take care of my bodily health—no sugar, no processed foods, no alcohol, no smoking, etc.—have been revealed as irrelevant in many ways. See, my interior is literally decaying. [Note of explanation to those who know me: In trying to determine my source of pain, which has been shown to be a torn hamstring tendon, the scans also found severe osteoporosis and a femoral edema.] There are immediate, short-term treatments I must do (which have their own additional problems), and then there will be long-term life-altering changes for me (which I cannot wrap my head around right now). Praise the Lord, these are not life-threatening—and I know those same scans could have found cancer but did not…however, in my decades-long battle-of-the-body, this new war zone seems paralyzing at the moment. Satan is pointing at my health disciplines with mocking laughter and condemnation. Much like Satan’s words to Eve in the Garden, “Did God really say…?”, as well as his maniacal effort to tempt Jesus in the desert by twisting Scripture (which Jesus wrote!), he’s pointing to God’s promises and hissing, “See, Julianne, God’s lying about your ‘inner person being renewed’—you’re decaying outside and inside! And the verses may say that your affliction is ‘light and momentary’, but you’re in pain now, and the suffering is just going to continue! Ha!” It’s so easy to listen and believe the lies, to give into despair. To lose heart.

So, I’m dragging this into the light. Right now. And, sweet friend, whatever Satan, this broken world, or your own fleshly patterns are dogging you about, join me in the confrontation—drag it into the light too. Let’s take out our Sword of the Spirit, which is the Word of God (Ephesians 6:17), and start an offensive attack. Here are a few to get us started…

• In this you rejoice, though now for a little while, if necessary, you have been grieved by various trials, so that the tested genuineness of your faith—more precious than gold that perishes though it is tested by fire—may be found to result in praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ. ~ 1 Peter 1:6-7

• Not only that, but we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us. ~ Romans 5:3-5

• And not only the creation, but we ourselves, who have the firstfruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for adoption as sons, the redemption of our bodies. For in this hope we were saved. Now hope that is seen is not hope. For who hopes for what he sees? But if we hope for what we do not see, we wait for it with patience. Likewise, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. For we do not know what to pray for as we ought, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words. ~ Romans 8:23-26

• But now, this is what the Lord says, He who is your Creator, Jacob, And He who formed you, Israel: “Do not fear, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by name; you are Mine! When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; And through the rivers, they will not overflow you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be scorched, Nor will the flame burn you. For I am the Lord your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior. ~ Isaiah 43:1-3

• But we have this treasure in jars of clay, to show that the surpassing power belongs to God and not to us. We are afflicted in every way, but not crushed; perplexed, but not driven to despair; persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed. ~ 2 Corinthians 4:7-9

• You keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on You, because he trusts in You. ~ Isaiah 26:3

Lord, You are always good, regardless of my circumstance. I cling to Your steadfast promises. I run into the shelter of Your love. And I grab the Truths of Your Word and fight…please strengthen me in this battle.